Irony is Uhm..Ironic.

So I was feeling in the poetic mood today. So I decided to write a poem about someone who means a lot to me. The ironic part of this all?? Uhmmm?? I'll just let ya'll read the poem and then explain.

When I first met you, I knew you weren’t my type. I kept telling myself he was too gangsta, that lifestyles not right. And the fact you were my uhm boyfriends bestfriend..that just had to end. So I let it rock. Didn’t have any feelings for you, was like fuck it let him go. He can be your friend, but after that it was a no. Time passed by. We talked here and there, and then I started to realize, this thug was kinda rare. I expected so much less, someone who didn’t care. Just a sexy face, no real feelings to spare. But I was into something else, so I had to be fair. But then you showed an interest. And I was like nooo this can’t be true, I ain’t neva had someone like you…be into me?? I just couldn’t see. We were so different. Like apples and oranges. I was this giddy little white girl. You…were hardcore thug. But you became my drug. And I became addicted, to the game that you spit, the words that you said..the thug appeal just went right to my head. I needed double dosages, once, twice, three times a day. I had to talk to you. It became an obsession. Me wanting you became my profession. But the stories not quite done, cuz after all you weren’t the one. I still had a man. Falling in love with you was not my plan. But I started feigning. Wanting more. It wasn’t even on a sexual level. Strictly emotional. We never talked about sex, our friendship was sooo complex. I saw where this was going. And I kept telling myself no. That my feelings were gonna get hurt, and then where could I go? You were like a knight in shining armor. When I needed you…you were always there. Someone to talk to, when I was really scared. You gave me advice…told me to go to stop, to live out my dream. If only you knew my real dream was to be with you. But I started to lay the cards out on the table. You would never have time for me. And because of that, we just couldn’t be. I knew I would never see you. I wasn’t your priority. Nor would I ever be your wifey. So I moved on. Started to see what was out there for me. Tried to set myself free. I dated one guy. No comparison. I came right back. FYI; that relationship was whack. And heres the part where I cried. Because this new boy came along and caught my eye. We started going out and everything was great. But you were still in the picture…and that..I really did hate. I wanted to be with you so bad. But you wouldn’t allow me to. So this boy lasted a little longer than planned. He actually was my man. And then there was no more you. I told you to leave me alone and we were through. You did. Until a few months later when you came back again. I knew from that moment on that it was fate. I couldn’t break up with my boyfriend, it was too late. I cried. And cried. Because I loved you. I couldn’t talk to you. I couldn’t call you. All the shit I put you through. So I did it!! After 3 months of agonizing pain, I made the choice to be with you. ONLY you. And two months later, I think it’s safe to say we’re pretty fucking awesome. We are on a whole different connection…Some wild crazy affection type connection. I love you more then you can ever imagine. I don’t lust for you nor do I think this is a crush. I apologize if I’m making you blush. But you are my everything. Even though you make me sooo fucking mad sometimes. And people keep asking me why I put up with your shit. And that I’m not your only chick. But I am so madly in love with you, I don’t care what anybody says. Or the stupid stuff they put in my head. I know everything about you. Most married couples don’t even know about each other. So where do we go from here? Hopefully, not towards my biggest fear. To wake up one day, and you not be here. Losing you…I can’t even fathom myself to think. It would seem like I lost a friend, a lover, my brother..all of the above. I love you. The entire package. Flaws and all. You said something yesterday, about me wanting to marry you. I said no. But you’re a loser if you believed me. I don’t believe in love at first sight. But I will always remember that night. The first time I saw you. That was the day that I knew I was SO into you. Lets show people that we are going far. That 10 years from now we will STILL be together. My favorite part about this story is that you never gave up, you knew what you wanted and just how to get it. But I want to thank you. For always being there no matter what. I love you.

Now lemme explain the irony. Tonight could have given anybody the sole reason to be like fuck you goodbye. Especially after you keep doing things to fuck shit up. Not once, but this is twice. There shouldn't be any reason for it. I know I love him. So why do I do the things I do?? Or did?? It was a time in my life when I was unsure. Do I wish I could take it all back?? Sure!! But now I scarred my relationship for the duration of time. I wouldn't trust myself anymore. Shit, after tonight I wouldn't trust anybody anymore. I keep playing this Russian roulette game, and one day I'm going to experience the bullet. I'm 20 years old. Each and every one of my relationships have gone sour. So why am I giving someone every reason in the world to walk out on me?? I can't take anymore. I really can't.