=(. ::sad face:: I Messed Up. REALLY Bad

So again, I won't go into detail about my personal life, because if I do then people would hate me and stop "pretending" to read my blog. But to make a long story VERY short, I messed up. I let all those fucked up things that people said to me get inside my head and make me do some crazy things. For the first time EVER, my mind took over the actions of my heart. I love him. Plain and simple. There is no other way to describe it. I fucking love this kid. And I am sooooo stupid for even hurting him. What the fuck was I thinking? Seriously, this isn't me at all. I don't know how to fix it. I don't know what to do. I just wanna cry. I really just want to crawl in a corner and cry. I'm not blaming anybody for anything. I am taking full responsibility for my actions. But once again I am faced with the biggest fear of my life. Losing someone I love and losing a friend. He tells me he loves me. All the time, so why did I do what I did? Why did I need to figure it out some other way?? UGH!!! I want to throw myself off the 10th floor and hope I land on the pavement below with all the answers. I really need to find myself. Something is not right, I'm lying, I'm fucking up a perfect relationship?? Where is this mess coming from? I know what I need to do!! For now on, I'm not telling ANYBODY shit about my relationship. Ya'll are fucking me up in the head. (I have said fucking like a million times). I'm scared. I am really really scared. Is he still gonna love me? OMG are we still gonna be together?? I can't lose him. OMG, I would die and cry and all that other bad stuff. La you seriously need to FOCUS! Ok Ok, song break:

I don't know what to doooooo....I can't lose the love of my life =/.